Mind over matter¶
I decided to do something about my weight and perceived body image. But it wasn't really about that. This is how I learned to stop worrying and love to run.
Physical Health¶
I've never been a particularly sporty person. At school I enjoyed racquet sports like tennis, badminton and squash, but that was offset by a hatred of being forced to play football and rugby. I particularly hated doing cross country running on, seemingly, only the very worst days of the British winter. The only kind of regular exercise I've done for the last 5 years or so is drumming in rock bands, which is surprisingly more aerobic than you might think, but still not exactly intensive.
In February 2018 I set myself a reasonable initial target; lose 1 stone (~6.4 kg) with no particular time frame in mind, just at a sustainable rate. I had no immediate desires to get fitter, stronger or healthier, I just wanted to weigh less and feel better about my body image. My starting weight was 87 kg, the most I think I've ever weighed. The previous month I had finally given in and bought bigger jeans, or "fat pants" as I called them, that actually fit me properly. Something had to change.
I started walking more; by walking to work during the week and each weekend doing a longer 5 km or 6 km walk. The more I did it the more I thought; "I really could run some of this route if I tried". So I bought myself some new running trainers and sought the advice of my friends and colleagues who are into "that fitness stuff", as I jokingly referred to it.
That's how I discovered the Couch to 5K running plan. I wont go through the details of how the plan is structured, but suffice to say it even managed to get a disillusioned and reluctant runner like myself to actually love running. That very first run was a real eye opener; eight intervals of one minute runs that showed just how unfit I was. It was tough, but rather than be put off, I used it as a baseline to improve upon. Some runs were harder than others (not only when the intervals got longer), but slowly and surely my stamina improved, my heart rate went down and my recovery time got shorter.
I stuck with it, through wind, rain, snow and injuries. A particular low point was tripping over and ending up in A&E for 6 hours with a black eye and suspected fractured hand. But even when I really didn't feel like going out running after a hard day at work I knew I would always feel much better afterwards and that kept me doing it.
During the Couch to 5K plan I;
- Covered a total distance of 110.3 km — That's roughly the same as London to Dover.
- Spent a total of 13 hours exercising — That's the same time as flying from London to Singapore.
- Climbed a total of 1,511 m — That's 12.4% higher than Ben Nevis.
- Burned a total of 11,310 calories — That's 22.3 McDonalds Big Mac burgers.
The benefits to my physical health have been huge. As of the time of publishing this:
- I've lost a total of 15 kg (~2 st 5 lb) since February 2018. 4.6 kg(~10.1 lb) of that was during the Couch to 5K plan.
- My BMI was 30.1 (Obese) and is now 24.9 (Healthy).
- I've reduced my body fat by 11%.
- My resting heart rate was around 65 bpm before I started regular aerobic and cardio exercise, now it's around 48 bpm.
- My VO2 Max estimate was 40–44, now it's 51–55, going from "average" for men my age, to "very good" by Fitbit's calculations.
- My "fat pants" now only stay on thanks to a belt, otherwise they will literally drop off me. I'm not sure exactly how many inches I've lost from my waistline since I never measured it, but I'd guess about 4. I'm also wearing shirts from years ago that I liked too much to throw away.
If you're reading this and considering starting running, I honestly cannot recommend Couch to 5K highly enough, and I never thought I'd be saying that. Back in February I wouldn't have taken that advice, so if you're reading this and feeling dismissive, sceptical or apprehensive, I understand, I was too, but I was wrong. Here's how I realised...
Mental Health¶
Everyone loves a feel-good weight loss / fitness story and I am very pleased with my progress and proud of what I've achieved. But that is less than half of this story. Here's the hardest part for me; to be open and honest about this, as it's not something many people, even those close to me, really know about, but talking about it is cathartic so here goes...
"Hi, my name is Matt and I have mental health problems. Specifically, Clinical Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder with a tendency towards Impostor Syndrome."
I have a long history with these issues, mostly over a decade ago, which included periods of depression and anxiety that at times made simply being myself something that I abhorred. I felt worthless and useless, because that's how I viewed myself, so that's what I told myself I was. It was a self-fulfilling vicious circle and it prevented me from living my life.
I was on various antidepressants, sought counselling and therapy several times, read some self help books and after a long and difficult time I learned how to cope with it. But you don't "get better". It's not like a common cold, it doesn't just go away eventually, you learn how to live with it. Although I'm pleased to say that most of the last decade has been relapse free.
Admission¶
That is, until a couple of years ago. The birth of my daughter was the single most amazing experience of my life. She is my absolute world, I love her more than I thought it possible to love anything and she brings me so much joy and happiness. Becoming a father is a life changing event, that goes without saying, but it is also one of the most mentally challenging, emotionally charged and physically demanding times of your life. Guess what? Men can suffer postnatal depression too. Seriously. Yes, really.
In addition, I had recently gained a promotion at work into a role that I had aspired to for many years. A role that carries a lot of technical responsibility with many people looking to me for answers, leadership and guidance. I was working on a high profile project that received a lot of scrutiny and criticism. I was giving it my all, so it was hard not to take things personally. It was a difficult and pressured working environment for quite a long time and whilst I had the support of a brilliant team around me, it took its toll.
It took a long time for me to accept that something was wrong, despite being more aware of the symptoms given my history with them, I just couldn't see it. "I'm just tired", "I'm stressed at work", "Having a child isn't easy, every parent must feel this way" are the kind of things I would say to myself to justify my emotions. It wasn't until I saw the impact it was having on my wife, our relationship and my relationship with my daughter that I started to accept that I needed help. My wife was my saviour really, if she hadn't helped me see what was happening I don't think I'd have been able to even want to change.
Acceptance¶
I went to see my GP, who was really helpful and supportive and referred me to the local mental health service; who were terrible. To be fair, they are massively under-funded and under-resourced and there aren't many alternatives in the area, but the support I received was awful and I wouldn't recommend anyone go there in a time of crisis.
The only benefit I found from this experience was that having gone through their standard assessments, I could fairly confidently say that I have moderate clinical depression and severe clinical anxiety. That sounds negative, but having a more precise diagnosis and a label to put on it was oddly reassuring. It really was a thing. I felt like I could own it now, then start to accept and change it.
Change¶
You have to want to change. You can't just go to a counsellor, sit there and chat for an hour a week and expect to "get better". They can't cure you and they can't fix you. You have to do it for yourself. They are a key person though, and the relationship you form with them is very important. I was very lucky to find an excellent counsellor privately who was open to taking a different approach to the CBT model, since my previous experiences with it weren't that effective.
I've been seeing my counsellor Sarah for about 6 months and it has helped me tremendously, far more than any of my previous experiences of CBT. I've re-learnt various coping mechanisms and strategies, including;
- To take a step back and acknowledge how a situation makes me feel and take a more measured approach.
- Stop apologising for everything, especially things that aren't my fault or that I couldn't have changed.
- Take compliments when given, rather than immediately downplay any accomplishment or redirect to someone else.
- My feelings do actually matter and that it's not selfish to occasionally put my own needs first.
- Not to feel horribly guilty about doing something that only benefits me and no one else.
- I don't own other people's emotions and I don't have to fix things that upset them, I can't change how they feel.
Recovery¶
I was experiencing very similar mental barriers in my counselling sessions as I was when out running. 90% of my physical health targets were about having the mental strength to keep going further and faster. Both required me to find the confidence to believe I could do it, then go and actually do it.
It was all about micro-achievements for me; the reward payoff for consistently achieving ever increasing but attainable targets was a massive boost to my mental health. In much the same way as video games can help people with anxiety through inbuilt reward systems, apps like Fitbit and Strava were providing the continual gradual improvement and rewards I needed to keep me motivated.
Running changed from something I was doing to get fit to something I was doing for my own headspace, purely for me, and I didn't feel guilty about doing it. Getting fitter changed from "I'm so fat, my jeans don't fit anymore" to feeling confident enough to take a compliment about my appearance without questioning their motives. Losing weight was less about the number and more about setting a target, sticking to it and achieving it.
Research shows that regular aerobic exercise is as effective as antidepressants. I'd had some pretty unpleasant side effects from the latest type of antidepressant I was taking, but I was feeling the benefits of the counselling and increased exercise, so I decided to stop taking them. I do not recommend you do this, you should of course go back to your GP and review with them before reducing or stopping any medication. That said, once the side effects had passed I felt a lot better knowing I wasn't dependent on them.
So what?¶
This isn't the end, this is the start. It's a lifestyle change, both physically and mentally, that I aim to sustain. I'm never going to have a body like Tom Hardy, or be as confident as "insert confident celebrity here", but that's fine. They aren't me. This is me.
Please don't treat me differently; if you're someone that I know personally and have just read this, remember that I'm still the same person you knew yesterday. Now that you're aware of it though you might understand why some days I seem to struggle more than others with tasks or situations that don't usually phase me. If I'm having a hard time, ask if I'm ok, don't try and fix it, you can't. If you're wondering what's up, ask me how I am, don't just ask how my anxiety or depression is, they don't define me. You can of course ask about that too if you like, I'm happy to talk about it, don't be afraid of it. The only stigmas around mental health are the ones other people place on it.
Just writing this blog has been a cathartic exercise for me, but the reason for publishing it is about sharing my experiences with others for their benefit. This is not "look at me and all that I have achieved, you can do it too!", but if anything I've said resonates with you then please consider it as a possible option to try at least. Your mileage may vary.
It is still massively important to talk more openly about mental health issues, something I have, until this point, not been very good at. So I wanted to contribute towards the movement to normalise the topic. As a society we need to recognise the equality between physical and mental health far better. If you broke your leg, you'd go to hospital. Why should it be any different for mental health problems? If you're emotionally or psychologically hurt or broken, you need to seek the appropriate help, support, advice or treatment.
I know that I will always live with these issues, but I have learned how to cope with the hard times and to better appreciate the good times. Talking openly with friends, family, colleagues, professionals and even strangers has helped me accept that there is support and understanding out there. The more we talk about it, the easier it gets.
Now what?¶
To keep me motivated with a new goal after I finished Couch to 5K, I signed up to run the Plymouth 10K in October 2018. I also wanted to do it for something greater, for other people who may be experiencing similar issues, as well as for myself. So I contacted the mental health charity Mind about representing them and raising money and awareness of mental health issues and the valuable work they do.
Everyone has a mental health, either good or bad it still needs attending to. One in four of us every year will need support with theirs. That's why the work that Mind and other mental health charities do is so vital to helping so many people. Please watch this video to understand more about what Mind do and why it is so important:
If you have read this far and want to do something to help, then please consider donating to my charity fundraiser on JustGiving to support Mind. You'll be supporting me tremendously too; just knowing that I'm running for something so worthwhile to so many, and with the generous support of people who have read this, will absolutely give me the extra mental stamina to push harder.
Thank you to the people who have enabled me to write this. Thank you to my wife, family and friends. Thank you to anyone who gave me advice, support and encouragement along the way. And thank you for reading.
#KeepGoing